Shout out to my readers in the “I survived a half century” club. If most of the bits below apply to you, i embrace you in sisterhood, and even if we never meet in person, i’ve got your back.

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If you….

Have ever looked at young women with those cute little tattoos on their hip and thought, “Just wait, princess. It’s going to look like a Salvador Dali in 20 years.”

Have been forced to realize that trusting your body not to pass gas in public is on par with trusting a four year-old not to say anything embarrassing at a body-positivity festival.

Know there should be a name for that yoga position, bent over and legs crossed, we take when we sneeze to keep from wetting our pants.

Tho depressing, have accepted the fact that visions of sexy 30 year olds have gone from “fantasy” to “pipe dream.”

Have thought, in the midst of a hot flash, “Wouldn’t it just be The Shit if this were me transforming into a superhero right here in the cereal aisle?”

While reading on the importance of self-breast exam, thought to yourself, “First i have to find them. And then it would be like scooping half-set jello.” (Still worth it, but it can be like trying to contain an oil spill.)

Know exactly what level of lighting it takes to show off your inner radiance.

Self-prescribe a pedicure, decadent lunch, and a few hours of shopping for lipstick and books when you are ready to snap… And realize it is for everyone else’s benefit as much as your own.

Have never spent so much on shoes that were so un-sexy.

Realize that you were ignorant as hell when you said finding your first white hair on your head was horrifying.

Wear less makeup than you used to because the amount of spackle and Bond-O it takes to keep it from settling into your wrinkles became cost prohibitive and was starting to raise eyebrows in the checkout at the hardware store.

Say bikini and brow wax, but mean also toe, nostril, ear, beard, and/or that random little spot on your rib cage.

Know that you could still work it in a nightclub… But you can’t stay up late enough to prove it.

Accept the fact that you are going to cry over inspirational videos, cinematic death scenes, and most well-done public service announcements… And can laugh at yourself for it.

Have ever woken yourself up from a sound sleep because you rolled over onto a runaway body part.

Have removed all the granny-panties from your skivvy drawer, because you realized everything is technically a granny-panty now. No need to buy any specifically for that purpose.

Spend far too much time in front of the mirror, pulling your skin back to see what you would look like if you could afford a face lift.

Have a social media page full of baby animal pictures and silly memes whose sole purpose it to keep you from drinking.

Have ever wondered if God/Goddess/Universe has a crazy sense of humor or was just a sadistic bastard when they decided we should have to fight wrinkles and acne at the same time.

Have occasionally had those moments of wisdom and confidence that almost make all the above worth it.

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Love you, friends. Really Really.