Next Time, Nasal Spray

For those of you unfamiliar, Chattanooga, Tennessee is the capitol of the allergy world. More kinds of pollen, mold, dander, and other crap than anyplace else. It is nearly impossible to live here and not suffer during the transitional seasons – Which, in Chattanooga, is 12 months a year.

Growing up on the beach in New England, there wasn’t much grass, or leaf mold, or hay. Pretty much, we had pine needles and beach plums (If you have never smelled a beach plum rose, you haven’t smelled heaven.) But neither of those things really sets you to sneezing or anything. If it came flying out your nose, it was either from a cold or from laughing too hard.

So when i moved here to Chatt getting close to 20 years ago, i was confounded by the way my schnoz spent so much time swelled up and juicy. It makes me acutely paranoid of stalactites in my nostrils, and makes me snore (worse). And not for nothing, as a middle-aged woman with three kids, sneezing becomes an exercise in strategic pelvic contortion.

I have tried all the different antihistamines to little relief. There are just too many allergens for the bod to battle. But it sucks being stuffy and swimmy-headed and prone to drippiness. So what’s a gal to do?

Well, in my case, i mentioned it to my doc. He suggested a compounded steroid shot. Not a bad idea, considering it could potentially  replace the deluge of other meds i was taking on a daily basis to no effect. So i drop trow, and the nurse stabs me in the arse. I didn’t really expect to feel better immediately, but when i went to bed that night, i was still plagued by snot.

Fast forward to 3 a.m. I am woken out of a sounds sleep by a sensation of flames. My body is on fire. I turn on the light to discover that i am red as a poker from neck to knees. And i itch.

Well, shit.

I pop a couple of benedryl and stand in front of the freezer, fanning the door in my general direction, til the meds take hold and i get sleepy. Back to bed til morning and i have to switch to the less  drowsy allergy pills. Work was torture that day, as it was impossible to stay focused while my skin was aflame. And to add insult to injury, i was still sneezing.

I knew it would pass, which it did sometime during the following day. As it passed, the benefits started coming thru. My head was getting clearer, the sneezing was less frequent, and i no longer felt stuffed.

But i did feel some other stuff.

Ask anyone who has to deal with a 14 year old girl on a regular basis, and they will tell you that hormonal balance is a precarious thing. It has been a long time since i was 14. I think my body forgot how to deal with it.

I am well on my way to eating my cabinets bare. I have been unusually angry and emotional. I can’t sleep. I can’t shut my brain off. I can’t focus. And lets not even talk about the randy-factor. Basically, i’m me on steroids.

Ha! That’s funny! And truthful, both literally and figuratively.

It would be comical if it were happening to someone else.

But instead, it is frustrating. I know why all these feelings and urges are swirling, i can visualize it from an outside perspective, but i can’t stop it. As if i had Tourette’s, i can’t stop the “Fuck”s from flying out of my mouth any more than i can keep my hand out of the candy bag.  And it’s only my undesirable age  and pathetic single-ness that keeps me from making a bathroom-stall name for myself.

Bloody hell! All i wanted was a booger-free nose! Is that too much to ask???

I feel like the punchline in one of those jokes where the man asks a genie for…

Never mind. You get the picture.

Now, you yummy, sexy thing… Come here before you piss me off. And bring those cookies with you…


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